Be kind to yourself

When something goes wrong for our friends or relatives, we eagerly extend a helping hand. If a friend makes a mistake, many of us won’t judge them harshly; instead, we offer words of comfort like “You’ll learn from this,” “It could have been worse,” or “This too shall pass.” If a public performance doesn’t go well, we’ll chalk it up to “stage fright” and rationalize, “Maybe they’re not feeling well, tired, or have family issues.” Well, some of us might also unleash our thoughts in the comments section of some online articles!

If someone slips on a slippery sidewalk, I believe many of us would rush to help them up. If the party host didn’t cook the turkey perfectly, we’d joke and reassure them that we’ll lick our fingers in half an hour.

So why, when it comes to ourselves, are we so relentless? Is it that hard to be kind to yourself? In the same situations, when we make a mistake, we’ll label ourselves as foolish, idiots, or even with more vital words. If we fail to impress others, we’ll feel ashamed and feed ourselves thoughts like “I looked like a complete fool,” “How can I face those people now,” or “I can’t do anything right.” If we slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, we’ll curse ourselves with phrases like “Look where you’re going” or “You look like a cow on ice.” If a family member criticizes a dish we cooked, we’ll sink into a pit of self-doubt, feeling worthless in the kitchen.

Interestingly, we often fail to notice or quickly forget the offenses or slip-ups of others. After all, so many other important things are happening around us. However, we’re all too familiar with our own shortcomings, dwelling on them in detail, constantly replaying them in our minds. Did I say something wrong? I’ll beat myself up about it for a day, if not a week. Meanwhile, I might not even notice similar phrases from someone else. Did I behave differently than I wanted? I’ll torment myself with thoughts until my bones ache – perhaps punishing myself will offer some respite from my imperfections. But no, the thoughts will keep spinning and returning over and over again.

Why do we respond to the feelings and needs of others with kindness and understanding while being so harsh on ourselves? Yet, how much we love ourselves and how forgiving we are to ourselves directly impacts the well-being of those around us. Can I genuinely do so with others if I can’t forgive and empathize with myself?

Imagine constantly berating ourselves while being pleasant, patient, and attentive to others. Day by day, sad or damaging thoughts accumulate. Until one day, a misplaced object triggers chaos at home. Or an innocent phrase from someone else “hits the roof,” and we’re astonished by how much we had to say. Not exactly graceful or pleasant. Suppressing feelings won’t work forever; everything bursts from within. Somewhere along the line, the thought starts creeping in: “I give my all, but what about me?” “Why are people so ungrateful?” “I too want tenderness and attention,” “Is there something missing here?”… And what’s funny is, the more we yearn inwardly, the less we receive – it seems the whole world has conspired to ignore our desires and wishes. Why? Well, why should they pay attention to us if we ourselves don’t?

If we continue to disregard our own needs, our bodies and brains are more intelligent than us – as time passes and problems deepen, we may begin to suffocate, fall ill, or sink into depression. Each cell in our body cries out, “Stop, pay attention to yourself, ignore external distractions.” And when everything outside, including friends, children, or pets, becomes a “distraction,” is it worth ignoring our own needs?

The more intriguing part is burnout, which occurs due to engaging in very interesting and exciting activities. It’s so exciting that we don’t see anything else; we live for that. Seems like a positive thing, right? But it turns out, one day, we don’t want to get out of bed, take care of anything, plan, or think about anything. It’s a state of apathy – just existing. Or perhaps, not even that anymore. It takes an average of 6 to 18 months to recover from this state. That’s how much of our lives we throw away due to self-neglect.

So, you might ask, how do we find that self-love? How do we learn to be kind to ourselves? Well, genius things are simple, as always. Let me share what helps me, and maybe you’ll find something that suits you.

1. Walking outdoors: Start with 5 minutes, telling yourself it’s better than nothing. Today, I listen to myself and can walk for an hour, 3 hours, or 15 minutes, depending on my desire or available time. It’s incredibly refreshing for the mind.
2. Exercise: Start with the same 5 minutes and something light (I started with yoga). Do what’s easy; joy will come from it. From pleasure comes the strength to continue. Continuing brings even more joy. If you don’t aspire to be an Olympian, winning over yesterday’s self might be enough. And that’s only sometimes necessary. Maybe today is a day when doing a couple of “cat-cows” is enough. My body naturally craves more intensity on some days, so I do strength training and more intense exercises. I also love dancing, so I happily spend 5 or 10 minutes doing Zumba or following dance workout apps.
3. Meditation: I’m not the type who can sit calmly in meditation for an hour, thinking about nothing. But I found that active dancing meditation suits me. Also, there’s the 3-2-1 method – an alpha-wave exercise from Jose Silva, the founder of the Silva Method. I discovered this method by reading Silva’s book and attending Mindvalley courses.
4. Nutrition: This is a separate huge topic :). Chemical reactions happening in our bodies affect our mood. And what reactions occur depends on what you eat. The first step is to accept yourself. Your body is a fantastic machine, so just for having it, we should be happy and proud of how it works, how many operations it performs simultaneously, and how it cleans and protects us from premature death. And then how you thank your body, what you put into it, and how you care for it. I’ll talk more about this in other blog posts.
5. Activities that bring joy: It took me a while to remember what, besides work, brings me joy. I started with walking, Zumba, and karaoke singing. I began learning to play the piano, and it uplifts me when I manage to play a melody. Though it’s not easy, I must admit! So, I recommend tackling simple things that require little motivation first. Let it be simple, fun, and easy things. After nearly a couple of years, I felt the urge to knit a cover for a pillow. I hadn’t knitted since school 🙂 And to write this blog.
6. Time for yourself: It might be that, at first, you won’t know what to do with it or where to find it. It’s the most challenging part, but also critical. And again – start with a small step. By telling your husband that he’ll be with the kids for two evenings a week while you go for a walk or indulge in some hobby, you’ll see that the world won’t collapse. After finishing work at precisely 6 p.m., you’ll realize that neither the workload has decreased nor increased, and tomorrow, you’ll still have things to do. And you’ll have them even if you work 24 hours a day. Enjoy breakfast in the city before work or the reddening sky in the morning. On Fridays in the summer, I don’t work – neither did the money decrease nor I feel a significant difference when it came to vacations. But for health and mood – it made a big difference. In winter, I go to the seaside alone for a week. My gift to myself. Feels good…
7. Let’s not overdramatize: Once, when I came home, I realized that I had been walking and talking with people with spinach between my teeth for half a day. Did anyone say anything about how I looked or what people thought? The entire afternoon!! But then I thought about how long I had thought about a strangely dressed and heavily made-up girl I saw returning from the dentist’s office. It took me a few seconds to forget her as we passed each other and walked on. So, we’re the most exciting and vital… to ourselves. Next time you spend half a day thinking that an ungrateful colleague didn’t thank you for the service provided or your spouse/children don’t appreciate your efforts, remember that you’re ruining your mood. At the same time, it’s often just a passing thought for everyone else. So, first, you’ll have to work on your attitudes and thoughts. When my son gets upset, I say, “You choose to be angry or not.” He says, “NO, YOU made me angry!” It’s tough to admit that we’re responsible for all our emotions, and no one MAKES us feel the way we think. If there’s a mood, I’ll dig deeper into the topic, but for now, you can look into Nonviolent Communication and Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s teachings. Let’s look at ourselves and our “slip-ups” and “end of the world” moments with a smile; it helps us to navigate life more freely.

My husband laughs at me when I read or hear something new and want to try it out. But how else will I find out what works for me so I can change? It’s essential to experiment while looking at yourself, your body, sensations, thoughts, and well-being. They tell you everything, what works and what doesn’t. The most important thing is to keep looking and trying what’s best for YOU. Because you are unique and irreplaceable, the world needs you.